really reeling. he cheated again. lies lies and more lies. i try to live authentically. I can not control the world but I like to know that my little portion of it is at least operating in a conscience and honorable manner.

I curse too much but I am kind. I put every living being before me. I only wanted one person to put me first. I expected my heart to be treated as a valuable and fragile gift that I gave to him, that meant something.

I can not tolerate this any longer. I need to get a lawyer and make a plan that protects the kids and me in the most smooth way possible. He will be a dick because he can. And it will be my fault no matter what.

keeping emotions in check. not letting him own any more of the broken bits that are my heart.

So it is all about being authentic. Honest. And I try to follow the rules, despite my inner rebel wanting to simply feel - I will be in the place you have asked me to be when I need to engage. "may I speak to you" I ask (the proverbial appointment not an ambush) "10 minutes? no problem" So I wait for what is the best for him. I am too emotional - sitting on this side of it I know that I knew the results would only be the same as they always are, the same as they have been for the last 8 years

HELP ME! I am the one you promised to care for 22 years ago. I reach out to you. I am drowning, I need air - pull my head above the water and let me breath again - PLEASE HELP ME.

Calming myself I start as lightly as this can be - "I am lonely, I feel very insecure in our marriage, I feel very alone".
I am hoping for reassurances, Maybe an acknowledgment of my feelings. "Get a lawyer I am told, this has not been good for years. Lets be nice about it and impact the kids a little as we can. Lets use mediation".

I am drowning and he decided to hold me under water.

What are my unreasonable demands? Time - a few hours a week where the computer is not on, where we can be alone together spending time with minimal interruptions from the outside. Physical contact, a touch on my back, a hand hold, a hug I am aching for human touch from a partner who wants to touch me. .To be desired even if we are too busy or tired to get to sex but the want is still there. To share a wordless look that says volumes about each other to each other. To be cherished and valued, my heart is vulnerable and raw it need to be treated gently. To have a partner that is proud that I am theirs. I am so unreasonable.

Compared to where I was when we met I have gone light years - could I have done this without him? Mostly, I love everything in my life right now. I adore the kids, growing older and more independent every year. I see the best of him in both of them and I love that. He has been a fair and generous parent to my oldest and I appreciate and respect all he has done helping her to become the adult she is today. I love his parents, they have been My parents for the last 22 years too. Out home is a constant work in progress. I get one thing done and a bigger project looms - but overall, it is more than simply a house, it is a home I am comfortable in and I wanted to stay the rest of my life there. I love my job most days and I have a plan - by the time I can retire I will have enough time in to actually draw a pension and buy into cheap benefits.I am good at it, I am respected by my peers and supervisors, it is fulfilling. I have great friends singularly and as a couple. They like me, they seek out my company, so I can't be a that bad to be around.

Shattered. Like a mirror ball of all the vision of my world, thrown to the ground and left in pieces and shards, stomped and ground under foot.

Why. Where will this leave me.

Every action has a ripple effect.